Procrastination pretzels: For all your "Oh, hey, I think I'll just bake something instead" moments.

Hello, my name is Cas, and I am a classic procrastinator.

I currently have several things I need to do, but instead, I'm going to take you through my 12-step process...

I figure, if some people are willing to go through 12 whole steps for alcohol or drug treatment, other people should be perfectly willing to go through 12 steps to make homemade soft pretzel rolls. And these 12 steps won't have you confessing your transgressions to a room full of strangers. The coffee's better, too.

You can use this recipe to make a classic soft pretzel, but I like pretzel rolls so I can dunk them in hot cheese or some spicy German mustard or use them as sandwich material.

Procrastination Pretzels.

Step one: Gather your ingredients
For the dough:

• 1 1/2 c. warm water
• 1 tbsp. sugar
• 2 tsp. kosher salt
• 1 package of dry yeast
• 4 tbsp. unsalted butter, melted and cooled
• 4 1/3 c. of flour (roughly. The recipe I based this off of used weights. I happen to have a scale around the house from Joey's beer brewing, so that was easy enough, but since it's not exactly the most normal thing to have sitting around the house...I measured it, too, to post here.)
  
• Olive oil, to coat surfaces

For boiling the pretzels:

• 10 c. water
• 2/3 c. baking soda

You'll also need:

• 1 egg yolk
• 1 1/2 tsp. water
  
• more kosher salt to sprinkle on top, if desired
• Parchment paper
• Baking sheet

Optional:

• Stand mixer. Easily replaced by a lot of patience
• Pastry brush. Replaced by fingers, etc.
  

Step 2: Get your foam on
Mix the 1 1/2 c. of warm water, salt and sugar in a mixing bowl. Sprinkle the yeast on top and wait about 4 minutes for everything to get foamy. Then add the melted butter and flour.

Step 3: Want it, knead it, have to have it
Mix everything until well combined. If you're using a stand mixer, the dough hook is clutch. A few minutes on low will combine everything. Then, once it's combined, knead another 9 minutes or so, or, if you're using the stand mixer, mix it on medium for about 5 minutes. You should have a dough ball that doesn't stick to the sides of the mixing bowl (if you're using it), but does stick to the bottom of the bowl a bit.

Step 4: Transition
Pop the dough ball out of the mixing bowl, and/or leave it where you were kneading it for a hot second. Clean out the bowl and oil it down with just enough olive oil--you want the surfaces to be slippery, but not a total grease pit. You can also use Pam or some other cooking spray if you prefer. Pop the dough back in the oiled bowl.

Step 5: Let the yeast have a few private moments
Cover with plastic wrap and a towel and let it rise for about an hour.

Step 6: Get a rolling boil
When about 50 minutes had past, I started prepping the water to boil the pretzels in. Just combine 10 c. water and 2/3 c. baking soda and wait for it to boil. Stir occasionally. I did this under a lower heat, so it wouldn't go boiling all over the place.

I also used this time to start my oven. Pre-heat to 450 degrees.

Step 7: Fetch your dough. Shape it.
By the time an hour has passed, your dough should have doubled in size. Glorious! Pop it out of the bowl and onto a non-stick work surface (I used wax paper that I'd drizzled with olive oil and smeared around with a paper towel).

If you're making classic pretzels, divide the dough into 8 little dough balls, (Heh. Balls.) and roll each one out (using your hands. Olive oil on hands works wonders to avoid sticking.) to about 2 feet. Then do that snazzy pretzel twist.

If you're making rolls, divide the dough into about 10 little balls, (Heh. Balls) and roll them into shorter, fatter ropes (aim for, oh, the thickness of a bagel) and make a loop (like, oh, a bagel). Keep them on an oiled surface for the time being.

Step 8: Drop it into boiling water. Make a small mess.
Okay, I have no pictures from this step. I blame this on my lack of a giant slotted spoon. I used a common plastic spatula to transport my dough balls into the boiling water and back out. It was kind of a mess, what with all the draining of water from between the spatula and the pretzel and whatnot.

All you need to do is drop each pretzel into the boiling water, leave it for about 30-40 seconds, and fetch it out. Put it back on your well-oiled surface. When all the pretzels/pretzel rolls have had a good bath, transfer them onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper that's been (yet again) well-oiled (or Pammed). (I used foil instead of parchment paper. Mistake. It's not as easy to pop them off the foil once they've baked.)

Step 9: Get golden, girls
Beat the egg yolk with the 1 1/2 tsp. of water. Use a pastry brush to glaze each pretzel. Then sprinkle more kosher salt on top, if you're feeling sassy.

Step 10: Into the wild oven
Your oven should be a rockin' 450 by now, so pop your pretzels in. Set a timer for 13 minutes (give or take a minute or 2) and let the good times roll. I had my entire kitchen cleaned up by the time these were out of the oven--definitly not a messy treat to make.

Note: I made 8 rolls in different sizes. Next time I'll make 10 smaller ones. Better overall texture.

Step 11: Chill
Remove the pretzels from the oven. Let 'em rest for a minute, then get them off the baking sheet and onto a towel/cooling rack/whatever.

Step 12: Get your glutton on!
As soon as they're at an edible/non-tongue burning temperature, eat! Best kind of end to 12 steps.

Recipe adapted from the Food Network, duh